I will never see Kevin again.
I had his hoodie and left it on my porch tonight. I told myself (and God when I prayed) if he came over and knocked or asked if he could come in (he knew I was home) then I knew he cared about me and there was a possibility there was another chance for "us" to work out. If he didn't, he doesn't care. Although I knew I didn't want to see him because it would be even harder to move on and I didn't want to cry and I didn't want to cry and have him walk away like he did the night he broke up with me, part of me still wanted me to see him.
But I'm okay with this. This is what is best for me. I have learned a few things since we have broken up. Especially with what I want in a husband. I want someone that shares my passion with sports. I love watching football (I'm watching the Broncos game now!) and basketball and love going to games. How can I marry someone who just doesn't? I also love social media and that's what I do for a living. I know not everyone will have my passion for that but I also feel that he should be informed of social media and have social accounts? Is that asking too much? I also wants someone that wants me more than him. Oh yes, and I don't want him talking to his ex while he is dating me. I talked to Kevin all the way up until Monday. Even if it's not romantic, I don't think it's fair that he is talking to me so I don't plan on talking to him anymore. Plus I have nothing to say to him and vice versa. I need someone that wants me. Also someone that doesn't make me cry and cares about me (and shows that he cares, not just says he does). I want a man that will support me in things I do (Kevin did this very well) and someone that I can look up to (I did look up to Kevin).
I have a date on Saturday with the same guy that I went to dinner with a few nights ago. Oh yeah, so that was fun. We went to dinner for three hours and it was actually really good. This weekend we will probably go to Sundance. Until then, I am resorting to Tinder. I have cried my fair share of cries. In fact, I won't lie, I just got done crying. Honestly though, it lasted five minutes. Thank you, Kevin, for not seeing me. It's making my life a lot easier.
Once I stopped talking to him on Monday, I went on a date and got amazing sleep after. The past month talking to him has really been an emotional rollercoaster and I am glad that I am off of it. I am feeling better every day and looking forward to meeting my husband.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Saturday, October 18, 2014
I have been dwelling on writing about my past relationship for awhile now. But I feel like now is the perfect time. It's been almost a month since Kevin broke up with me and my heart was broken to pieces. I could honestly say that he was my life. He was my love and he was all I knew for almost three years. He made me laugh and smile like nobody in the past could. He made me happier than anyone and anything and I was so happy with him. And now it's gone. I have not had my heart broken to pieces this much until now. I have never felt so alone. I have never felt so hurt. I have never felt so betrayed. Two nights ago he told me he was dating someone else and a few hours ago I looked at his Facebook page and there she was. What a jerk. But yet I still cling to him. I still want him to hold me. I still want him to snuggle me. I picture him walking up the stairs and saying, "Hi" to me as he comes over. And now it's like I don't exist. I fee alone. I feel sad. I feel unwanted. I feel like he has moved on where it should be the other way around. I feel like the last month has been a blur. Like I just want my old life back. I want to faint. I want to pass out. I feel depressed but not to the point where I miss work. I thought I knew what love was. Our relationship was perfect. Maybe too perfect but I absolutely loved it. We went to football games, went to the movies, we traveled and road dirt bikes, I met his family, I spent Christmas with his family in Colorado last year. I miss his nieces. I miss his sisters family. I miss everything. I miss love. I miss attention. I miss happiness. I miss attention and affection.
I want to be happy.
I want to be happy.
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