Thursday, July 20, 2017
Two weeks ago tomorrow, I was having one of those days. Those days that are hard to explain because they happen so rarely. Nothing seemed to make me happy and nothing, to be honest, was going my way. I tried to put on a smile as I attended a gorgeous wedding on the beach where words can't describe that perfect sunset. This was the type of wedding that I had always dreamed of when I was younger. Food was being cooked right in the sand as the bride and groom said their vows, the weather was a little chilly but the sunset made up for everything on the exterior. My forced smile popped out here and there but only because I would be focusing in that moment and not of the others that surrounded me. I had dropped my phone somewhere between my parked car and the beach and didn't have the energy or strength to grind through the sand and do a full-on search. It was rather nice at times to not have my phone but the awkardness around me made me wish I had it. All those colors of the sunset stand vividly in my mind as I have nothing to remind me of that day. The most awkward part of that night was myself. For some reason, I didn't have the mental capacity to put on a smile throughout the night and mingle like I normally would have. Like I said, this night was hard to explain. Although he didn't have to assist in a wedding that was not as organized as it should have been, he still did and I appreciate him for that. At the same time, I still have those moments where I flash back to me awkwardly standing there, waiting for the night to end so I didn't have to talk with strangers or pretend like I was having fun. On the inside, I was miserable, insecure, and not happy. I was surrounded by pretty women who wore the perfect summer dresses, short shorts, and smiles were everywhere. There friend had just got married. I know that I did not leave with a happy impression by the couple, and for that, I apologize. I really, truly, wanted to be happy that day. I went home from work and dressed up as much as I could. I wore a brand new dress and did my make-up and hair. Although I felt rushed, I felt confident. Until I saw him. There were no compliments or words spoken about how amazing I looked, how I took the time to do my hair, took the time to do my make-up, how exciting this beach wedding was going to be, and how much fun we would be spending together. Maybe I wanted my real life to be the fantasy of a beach wedding. Maybe I wanted my real life to be princesses and fairy tales for just one night. I wanted the insecurities to go away. I have always been a happy person even through trials and tribulations (to say the least). So to spend the past few hours, or may even days, I'm not sure at this point, feeling insecure and alone, it was a very odd place to be. Then he left me. He went to help with the food and would disappear for 30 minutes at a time. I stood there, once again, with my fake smile, pretending I was happy inside. Standing by the wood-burning fire and hoping that it would distract me from all of my surroundings. Not looking at anybody. Then I saw her. She was confident, she had on short shorts, and she was talking to him. Over and over. Her confidence radiated off of him as of I was non-existent. I stood there motionless, feeling nothing but pain and sadness. She had a truck. She had confidence. She was skinny. She seemed happy. She was helpful. What more could he want? She had almost everything that I had once been. I had been confident. I have been successful. I still feel successful. I have accomplished a lot of things that others haven't. Yet, here I was, now asking him for a ride home, crying for two hours and wondering what was wrong with me. Where had I left my soul? Why did my soul leave me? All I knew was the following day, he had left me. In the past two weeks I have been able to focus on that security, that success, my health, but part of me is missing. I'm not sure if it my soul that once was.....or if it is him.
Monday, July 10, 2017
According to the most unreliable website created, Wikipedia, "An eye for an eye, or the law of retaliation, is the principle that a person who has injured another person is to be penalized to a similar degree, or in softer interpretations, the victim receives the (estimated) value of the injury in compensation." At age 31, I have realized that I have based the majority of my life on this motto. I am not a mean person per-say but, when someone is mean to me, instead of taking it as criticism, I usually fire back with something meaner and worse than the original statement.
I am not sure where this retaliation came from, maybe how hurt I have been in the past by people that were close to me, accepting criticism as hatred, not good enough, being someone I'm not. Isn't that what criticism is? You are okay or accepting of something that someone else isn't? You enjoy the lifestyle you are living at the moment but someone else wants to take away that happiness?
Whether it's eating late at night, not taking enough time to get ready in the morning, not doing my hair, not shaving enough, how I look pregnant, how my car is a mess, how I am terrible at directions, how my teeth are yellow, how terrible my memory is, how I am a bad influence because I have tattoos.
whew. What an exhausting list. And that has all happened in the past 10 years. Now this all makes sense. I do my own thing. I enjoy being different, unique, standing out. What I don't enjoy is criticism. This isn't a pity party, this is my life.
- ► 2016 (14)
- ► 2015 (23)