I thought I was a Failure Until I Realized......

I'm just human. I have flaws. I try to keep my house clean but it isn't always clean. Same with my car. I don't take a lot of time to get ready in the morning but I still try to look, feel, and smell good. I sometimes speak my mind or say things I don't mean. But I'm only human.

I fully understand now why people wait so long to get into a relationship. Or even a new relationship. I understand why time is so important. Two break-ups in less than a year is something I do not ever want to face again. I honestly am at the point where I don't trust anyone enough to date them. I literally told my cousin tonight I wanted to buy a one way ticket to California with no intention of coming back home. The reasoning was so that I wouldn't have to face life. Or face reality. Basically live a dream with no money and not sure where life would take me. A few hours later and I'm stepping back. Realizing that, yes, I do want to move, I do want to start over, I do want a new life, but this is me. I'm still the same person. Life is about learning. Learning what you deserve and what you don't deserve. This time I let things get way out of hand.

Have you ever met someone and felt almost immediately that this person could be the one for you? I had never felt that until three months ago. I spoke with this "dream man" on the phone, we had so much in common, we both liked each other, we both wanted a long-lasting marriage. Unfortunately that marriage was not with each other. Last week Kylan and I went to Las Vegas to celebrate his 30th birthday. Usually, after three months, a vacation is a "make or break" with a relationship. Although, before this trip, we were exclusive, we never had a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" title. Until Vegas. He called me his girlfriend. Several times. He told me he loved me. He told me I would be an amazing wife. Things that I have NEVER heard in the past. Or never heard until I spoke about them first.

Then we come home. He doesn't talk to me. Doesn't want to see me. No idea what I did until he drafted out this whole list on what things "weren't". Things that included: I didn't take long enough to get ready in the morning, we can't force love, we aren't on the same page, aren't connecting, just to name a few.

What?!

He just told me he loved me. I didn't say it back but that didn't mean I didn't felt it. I'm sorry that I didn't take an hour to get ready like you did, I'm sorry that I didn't say I love you back, I'm sorry that we didn't connect although I thought we did. Actually, after all of this, I'm not sorry for what I did. I'm sorry that you are shallow. I'm sorry you are a jerk. I'm sorry that you get angry when you're drunk. And I'm sorry for the next person who dates you.

In the meantime, although temporarily giving up on love, I still believe in it. I believe in marriage. I believe in supporting each other and loving each other. I believe in the person that I am and my personality. It takes simple changes for me to change my habits but it takes a hell of a lot longer to change a personality.

xoxo.