The Four Agreements

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Back in 2012-2013 when I had the worst anxiety of my life, I asked the online world on what I could or should do to help eliminate this anxious and worrisome phase. One person recommended that I read "The Four Agreements". Due to the anxiety and not being able to concentrate on one thing for too long before freaking out, I only read through a few pages.

In 2018 I decided to buy the book again and see if there was a way I could make things better for myself. I had moved to California the previous year but lost my job almost two months ago. I had time to read so I decided to see what this book was about and how it could help me maintain my confidence throughout this hard time.

This book was extremely powerful to me. I'm not sure why but I got sucked in. I could not put the book down. I like seeing others perspectives on life. Before going into the four agreements, the author spends quite a bit discussing how we are all born and raised believing and doing what we are taught to do. This is through what our parents taught us, being punished for wrongdoing and rewarded for doing things right. He also mentioned that because we go through a repetition process,(whether it's something that is said over again or done over again) this is how we learn everything that we know. He goes on to say, "We never had the opportunity to choose what to believe or what not to believe...we didn't even choose our own name."

Because of this, so many kids growing up try and be the "perfect" child but because we can never accomplish that, they get depressed or sad or angry. "All of humanity is searching for truth, justice, and beauty."

"Ninety-five percent of the beliefs we have stored in our minds are nothing but lies, and we suffer because we believe all these lies." Now I'm not sure if I would go that far, BUT I understand the author's point. We have been taught things growing up, without having control or making the decision ourselves. Therefore, whatever it is that we have been taught, may not actually be the truth. "We have learned to live our lives trying to satisfy other people's demands."

This leads us to the four agreements, "You need a very strong will in order to adopt The Four Agreements - but if you can begin to live your life with these agreements, the transformation in your life will be amazing."

The First Agreement (or "truth" or what you are choosing to believe, "Whenever we hear an opinion and believe it, we make an agreement, and it becomes part of our believe system"):
Be Impeccable with Your Word

What does this mean? What I got out of this chapter was how much of a danger your word can be. The things that you say can make or break a person. Do not gossip. "Gossiping has become the main form of communication in human society." Be careful of what you say and how you say things. Don't judge, don't blame yourself and do not self-reject. "The word is a force; it is the power you have to express and communicate, to think, and thereby to create the events in your life...The word is the most powerful tool you have as a human; it is the tool of magic." The author used the example of Adolf Hitler. His word affected millions of people. He manipulated a whole country and convinced people to act violently. "Your opinion is nothing but your point of view. It is not necessarily true. Your opinions come from your beliefs, your own ego, and your own dream."

The Second Agreement: Don't Take Anything Personally

I struggle with this one quite often. I take things personally because I have high expectations for myself. If someone says something that they don't like about me or what I did, I am upset with myself for not being able to accomplish this. The goal of this agreement is to change that mindset. "You take it personally because you agree with whatever was said....Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you." The author went on to say, "Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true...We have a choice whether or not to believe the voices we hear within our own minds." He also said, "When you make it a strong habit not to take anything personally, you avoid many upsets in your life. Your anger, jealousy, and envy will disappear, and even your sadness will simply disappear if you don't take things personally."

The Third Agreement: Don't Make Assumptions

This is one thing that, over time, I can honestly say I have worked hard at. I used to always make assumptions and I have learned later in life to never assume. It is better to second guess than to assume. "The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth." Making an assumption is misunderstanding....It is always better to ask questions than to make an assumption." When I make an assumption about something, I tend to say, "Maybe they feel this way because..." and instead of thinking that in my mind, I have been trying to ask that person directly why they feel that way or why they did something or how they feel instead of assuming that they feel a certain way. We all see life differently, we all respond to situations differently, therefore, the best way to understand an answer according to the other person, is to ask questions. Once we stop making assumptions, "Your way of communicating will change completely, and your relationships will no longer suffer from the conflicts created by mistaken assumptions." Making assumptions can be the root of gossip and then you aren't being impeccable with your word.

The Fourth Agreement: Always Do Your Best
The final agreement is Always Do Your Best: "Just do your best - in any circumstance in your life. It doesn't matter if you are sick or tired, if you always do your best there is no way you can judge yourself. And if you don't judge yourself there is no way you are going to suffer from guilt, blame, and self-punishment." This final agreement is the last puzzle piece needed to transform your life completely. Always doing your best means that you are going to be productive, doing the most for yourself, not letting yourself down, and increasing awareness, "The first three agreements will only work if you do your best."

"You were born with the right to be happy.....you are alive, so take your life and enjoy it."

x0x0,

Abbie