I can say that after eight weeks and four days, I am officially okay with dating and officially okay with being single. Although I do wish for a magic genie (or God, either one) to just provide me with my husband and I don't have to go through dating but such is life. There is one thing I do not understand. I have been told over and over that if I don't like somebody or if I don't see it going anywhere, tell them I'm not interested in the nicest way possible. I don't like telling people I'm not interested because I feel that that in itself is mean. But, I have had to do it twice and both times, I was called an "asshole" and the other said, "F*** you." It's like, if I'm honest (and not even rude), I get in trouble. But then if I don't tell them, then I'm "leading them on" which eventually leads to the same ending.
So with the latter one, I was messaging him on Facebook today. Let me reword that. He messaged me over and over and over again. He becomes desperate and obsessive and I told him I don't want to be friends. It just got to the point where he sounded crazy. That's when he said, "F*** you", I block him, delete him, and less than five minutes later, I get a text saying, "Are you kidding me?" I am not going to lie, I am a little freaked out.
I had a guy message me and say, "Hey, what are you doing? Let's hang out. I just got done at the gym. Will you please be a sweetie and let me use your shower?" Uhhh....what! I don't think that is something you say to someone you haven't met yet. I found out that this is the same person who said, "In a land of burnt waffles, your a chocolate chip cookie." I let him know I heard that before.
Besides crazy old men, I have been having a decent time with men closer to my age. I went to the Jazz game last night and had a really good time with my date. He is such a sweetheart. He is so smart and that is what I want. I don't think I want a serious relationship right now but if it happens, it happens, and who it happens with is not up to me. I am glad that I am finally okay. I am not 100% but I am in a much better place than I was four weeks ago.
I am glad that the Utes season is basically over because every time I watch the game, I do picture Kevin being there. I think it's only natural that I dwell on someone who was a huge part of my life. It doesn't mean I want him back because I don't. If he came back to me, I would say no. But I do know for a fact that he won't. I know how he is and he doesn't go after things. He let me go twice and that was two times too many. The memories will be there and unfortunately I cannot erase those. But I m doing a lot better emotionally.
I have probably gone on six or seven dates the last eight weeks. Some were awkward, some were fun, but all of them were different. I can list out what I want in a man and a relationship and a husband but it seems like that changes depending on the person. Some things that were important aren't as important or vice versa. My wants and needs change and other things compensate. I don't know if that is good or if that is something I should do but I can't help it. Some guys like Mike are super hot but aren't interested in me. And that's fine. Some guys aren't as cute and are interested in me. I know one day I will find my match and all of this will lead to him. Maybe I have met him already and we just aren't in a place to date. Maybe I haven't met him yet. It makes me happy knowing that he is out there. And in the meantime, I have to deal with all of the silliness and craziness that comes with dating.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
It's been exactly seven weeks since Kevin broke up with me. I thought things would get easier and for awhile they were. But man. I went three weeks without crying and then out of NOWHERE I cry. Why? I miss his nieces and nephews lol. I literally cried for hours. I miss little Brookey Babe, Easty Babe, Huddy Buddy, and Cars. So I did let him know. Honestly, I don't care about his relationship. But I did message him and let him know that I missed his family. And he responded back and said he missed my nieces too. And my whole family. I have been thinking the last few days about him. I go out on a date to La Costa or Texas Roadhouse and all I think about is how he used to sit next to me....never across from each other. As I wear my Utah Utes hoodie, I miss going to games with him. Instead, I am sitting at home by myself watching the game. It really isn't fair but I know there is someone out there for me. Someone that I can build memories with. To be honest, when I dated Albert for five years (before Kevin), part of me was hesitant about breaking up with him because of all the memories we had and the close bond I had with his family. But when I did take that step, I never regretted it. And although right now I don't know where my life is going, it doesn't mean that I won't build amazing memories with someone else. My future husband. I do have crushes. I have been more direct and it's getting me in trouble and I KNOW I need to be patient but why is it so hard? I HATE being single. I can't stress that enough. Hate it. Hate it. Hate. Hate. But I won't rush into something just to be in a relationship. I don't even care about that status. I just want to like someone and have them like me back. I want to love someone and have them love me back. I want to be attracted to someone and have them call me "pretty" or "sexy" or "gorgeous" like Kevin did. How can I not compare my dates to Kevin? IN the relationship, he was amazing. I haven't stopped thinking about him since he broke up with me. I think it's because what we had was amazing. But it wasn't enough. It wasn't marriage-worthy. And that's okay. But it's still hard to not compare dates to him. I have higher expectations. Maybe that is why we dated. I believe there is a reason for everything. He was there to set the bar. Realize what I need in my life. What I want in my life. What I deserve in my life. And even though it isn't him, I want someone like him. I just don't want someone that will walk out of my life like he did. Three years is a long time to date. I can't move on like that. I did have a fling/crush for a few weeks but he doesn't want to see me anymore. And even though I have been thinking about him, it's okay. I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me. Everyone is saying to use this time and become happy with myself. I am happy with myself. I just want someone to be happy with me.
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