Sunday, June 28, 2015

I'm Numb

I was hoping for a drama-free weekend and, for the most part, it was. Starting Saturday. I was looking through a friend's Facebook page just now and saw my ex, Kevin, with his girl that he started dating two weeks after him and I broke up. She had a ring on so I went to his page. He got married a month and a half ago. I'm happy for him and I don't like him like that anymore BUT it's just so weird to me. We had to date almost three years for him to say he didn't know if he wanted to marry me....and then they get engaged and married within a nine month time span. Or less. I guess when you know, you know.

No one told me. I'm not sure if it's because they didn't want to (I would probably be sad if I found out through someone) or if because they thought I was still friends with him on Facebook. I haven't been friends with him, and honestly didn't care much about his life the last six months or so. But wow. I'm seriously numb and in shock. As if my last relationship didn't make me sad and still trying to move forward from that.....and then to find out this. F my life right now.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

I thought I was a Failure Until I Realized......

I'm just human. I have flaws. I try to keep my house clean but it isn't always clean. Same with my car. I don't take a lot of time to get ready in the morning but I still try to look, feel, and smell good. I sometimes speak my mind or say things I don't mean. But I'm only human.

I fully understand now why people wait so long to get into a relationship. Or even a new relationship. I understand why time is so important. Two break-ups in less than a year is something I do not ever want to face again. I honestly am at the point where I don't trust anyone enough to date them. I literally told my cousin tonight I wanted to buy a one way ticket to California with no intention of coming back home. The reasoning was so that I wouldn't have to face life. Or face reality. Basically live a dream with no money and not sure where life would take me. A few hours later and I'm stepping back. Realizing that, yes, I do want to move, I do want to start over, I do want a new life, but this is me. I'm still the same person. Life is about learning. Learning what you deserve and what you don't deserve. This time I let things get way out of hand.

Have you ever met someone and felt almost immediately that this person could be the one for you? I had never felt that until three months ago. I spoke with this "dream man" on the phone, we had so much in common, we both liked each other, we both wanted a long-lasting marriage. Unfortunately that marriage was not with each other. Last week Kylan and I went to Las Vegas to celebrate his 30th birthday. Usually, after three months, a vacation is a "make or break" with a relationship. Although, before this trip, we were exclusive, we never had a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" title. Until Vegas. He called me his girlfriend. Several times. He told me he loved me. He told me I would be an amazing wife. Things that I have NEVER heard in the past. Or never heard until I spoke about them first.

Then we come home. He doesn't talk to me. Doesn't want to see me. No idea what I did until he drafted out this whole list on what things "weren't". Things that included: I didn't take long enough to get ready in the morning, we can't force love, we aren't on the same page, aren't connecting, just to name a few.

What?!

He just told me he loved me. I didn't say it back but that didn't mean I didn't felt it. I'm sorry that I didn't take an hour to get ready like you did, I'm sorry that I didn't say I love you back, I'm sorry that we didn't connect although I thought we did. Actually, after all of this, I'm not sorry for what I did. I'm sorry that you are shallow. I'm sorry you are a jerk. I'm sorry that you get angry when you're drunk. And I'm sorry for the next person who dates you.

In the meantime, although temporarily giving up on love, I still believe in it. I believe in marriage. I believe in supporting each other and loving each other. I believe in the person that I am and my personality. It takes simple changes for me to change my habits but it takes a hell of a lot longer to change a personality.

xoxo.

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About Me

I'm Abbie. I am 28 years old and live in Utah. I love Social Media, Marketing, shopping, sports, traveling, shopping, giveaways, family, fashion, and currently writing a book.