For the first time in awhile, I feel so happy.....

Thursday, March 10, 2016: For the first time in awhile, I feel so happy. So free. So outgoing. So positive. I don't know if it's because I'm FINALLY feeling better after being sick for 10 days (literally going to work and then coming home and going to bed every day), the weather is so much warmer and it's putting me in a better mood, I have been working out again, OR I feel free from not having to question every day whether or not I was in a relationship or exclusive. I never realized a burden that could have on me. I was exclusively dating someone and then over time, we just realized that a relationship is not what is right at this time. I cried for a day or two but ever since then, I think I have realized that it's just me now. How am I going to make the most of my life? I am not asking for a pity party but I am used to being heartbroken. Something always happens and usually it's the other person that says they don't want to be together for whatever reason. what? If you have read my past blogs, you will know that I don't like when people say, "Work on yourself, focus on yourself..." because I feel that someone can focus on them while being in a relationship. For instance, if you want to lose weight - you can do that and make yourself better - during the time that you are not with the other person. Granted, when I was in past relationships, I would be with the other person as often as possible, but there is still free time and time that you want alone or to do things like bettering yourself. I don't think it's bad to strive to be better while also being with someone. When it comes to relationships or dating, I am not going to care anymore. By that I mean....I can't just go all in right away. That's how I have ALWAYS been. I trust easy and I fall in love easy. That's how I work. In the meantime, I have no choice but to work on myself. In fact, bettering myself has made me a better person. It was weird too because when I was sick, I actually didn't really want anyone to come over. I didn't want to entertain anyone. That is what made things so different for me. I have never been like that. I am always used to being taken care of in that sense and always enjoyed having company when I was sick. I think I am really living my life by the definition of Independent (Yes, the only way I know how to spell that is through the song I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T). I have always been Independent but loved being with someone. I am not fighting for anyone's attention. I am not begging for someone to be in my life. I am not begging to be your friend. The only person I can trust and rely on is myself. And right now, for once in my life, I am taking my life day by day.

Friday, March 4, 2016: I want a relationship but I don't want a relationship. I am just as confused as you. The last year and a half has been a struggle for me. A lot of "ups" but some downs. And I won't lie, the first three months into my 30s have been complete sh**. Being sick on my 30th and not going to Hawaii, being sick three times in the last six months, and then dating a guy who, although we weren't exclusive, said he didn't want to see me anymore. Story of my life. Every single time this happens. I'm heartbroken but I haven't seen him in three weeks. He was supposed to come over last Friday and that's when I started getting sick so we rescheduled for last Sunday. He had a lot of homework so we rescheduled for this weekend. I thought it was Friday but then he said Saturday. We knew what movie we wanted to see and then 4:30 Saturday comes around, he calls, and basically said he wants to be single (which I knew), didn't want to be in a relationship (which I knew), and I wanted more than what he wanted. I haven't seen him for three weeks so I honestly did not expect this. That's the only positive is that since I haven't seen him for awhile, it's easier to move forward. To put things in perspective:

What I will miss about him: His respect and sweet heart, talking to him almost every day, the motivation he had to finish school and work full time, being honest and straightforward, his sweet gestures.

What I won't miss about him: Seeing him once a week (if that) and no more emotional roller coaster.

I feel like he really didn't know me. We hung out about once a week and he never met my family which means more to me than anything. My sister hasn't met him but said she likes him. He is very respectful.

I wrote the above right after he said he didn't want to see me anymore. In the last week, my mindset has completely changed. Growing up, I begged for people to stay in my life, begged for guys to understand how "cool" I am or how "fun" I am or how I would be such an awesome girlfriend. Not anymore. I am better than that. No more games. PS Sorry for the swearing ^^

x0x0 Abbs


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