Anxiety: Beating and Conquering

This blog post is based on a book that I am writing about conquering or dealing with anxiety. And by anxiety, I don't mean just freaking out every once in awhile. I am talking about full-on can't-go-anywhere-because-I-am-too-afraid anxiety. Like, have to sit on my couch and play nintendo type of anxiety. Can't drive or else I may end up at the hospital anxiety. This was back in 2012 and I can't believe how much of a difference and in a better place I am now. I have worked on my book since moving to California so here is just an introduction of it. I hope you enjoy it. As I start working on it more, I will share but if you have any insight, please comment below as well!

Title: Anxiety: Beating and Conquering
Author: Abbie Guerrero

The controller was covered in my sweat as I clenched it as hard as I could. I sat at the end of my bed, trying to focus on the game I was playing. Jump. Duck. I couldn't help but think of many other things going through my mind. Physically, I was playing Nintendo and trying to focus on what I was doing. I was Mario and trying to jump and duck and go down in the green tube. Mentally, as much as I was trying to focus on the game, bigger things were taking over. I kept thinking to myself, “I can’t go anywhere”, “I can’t drive”, “I don’t want to see people”, “Jump”, “Duck”, “I don’t want to go to counseling”, “What can I do to make this anxiety go away?”, “Am I depressed?” I clenched the controller even more. The edge of my bed and the corner of my couch became my home for three days.

I just graduated college a few months earlier, August 8, 2012, but I had failed my last class of my last semester and was lucky enough to be given a second chance. I spent weeks with a tutor making sure that when I retook my test, I was not going to fail again. I did not ever see myself as a failure. My Dad, who passed away in 2003, had dreams for me and the rest of my siblings to attend and graduate college. I had made it this far and I did not want to be that one child who failed her last semester of college.

I passed the retake with flying colors. That same year, March 2012, I purchased my first condo. So many events led to this day. My anxiety had spiraled out of control. Here I was, sitting at the end of my bed, playing Nintendo, missing work, and desperately trying to distract my thoughts.

The anxiety started around September 2012 and for two weeks straight I would wake up in the middle of the night panicking. I didn’t think much of it except maybe nightmares. The fact that it was continuous made myself and others worried and I was recommended to see a doctor. I did and the doctor put me on medication. I did not like the side effects. I was a negative person and angry. I stopped the medicine cold turkey and things got worse. I was not only sad, but depressed (although I never admitted it during the time). I was always a happy person and tried making the most of any and all situations. I was then put on Xanax. Xanax helped because it knocked me out. As long as I as sleeping, I wasn’t feeling anxious so that was okay with me. Xanax is made to be taken when you have a panic attack, so on an as-needed basis. I would take one every night to help me sleep better and so I wouldn’t wake up anxious. I was only on Xanax for about a year and I have been off of it for about a year and a half. I made it a goal to not be on it if I didn’t have to. Although I still take Zoloft every morning, I feel that is all I need to help myself every day, still. I don’t rely on Xanax and that was a huge accomplishment for me. Along with the medication, I was desperate to stop the anxiety so I did everything that my mind and body would let me to make it stop.

March 2012 – Bought my condo

August 2012 – Graduated College

Augut 2012 – California trip

November 2012 – Left my job of 6 ½ years

Things to do:

Yoga

Read books on positive thinking

Listen to books on positive thinking

Counseling

Christian Radio

Use lavender oil and body wash to help calm me down

Nintendo

Remove any and all negativity in my life (friends, messages, etc.)

One of the first things I did when I realized I was in a serious predicament, was went to my friends and family. One recommendation was to read the book “The Four Agreements.” Although I didn’t get very far, I did underline a few things that really helped me to work on changing my mentality.

“By using our attention…We learned how to behave in society: what to believe and what not to believe; what is acceptable and what is not acceptable; what is good and what is bad; what is beautiful and what is ugly; what is right and what is wrong.”

“..We develop a need for attention.”

“The outside dream may hook our attention, but if we don’t agree, we don’t store that information. As soon as we agree, we believe it, and this is called faith. To have faith is to believe unconditionally.”

“The human is the only animal on earth that pays a thousand times for the same mistake.”

“Whenever we feel the emotions of anger, jealousy, envy, or hate, we experience a fire burning within us. We are living in a dream of hell. If you consider hell as a state of mind, then hell is all around us.”

“We cannot see who we truly are..”

“The way we judge ourselves is the worst judge that ever existed.”

“Humans punish themselves endlessly for not being what they believe they should be.”

“The word is a force; it is the power you have to express and communicate, to think, and thereby to create the events in your life.”

“The word is so powerful that one word can change a life or destroy the lives of millions of people.”

The first time I saw a therapist, I was very uncomfortable and anxious. She tried to calm me down by having me close my eyes. I couldn’t even do that without panicking and, if I remember correctly, I cried right then and there. My eyes were open within seconds of trying to relax. I tried a new therapist who was around my age and she provided me with a packet and worksheets on anxiety. The packet and worksheets were there to keep track of my thoughts and actions: when it happens, why it happens, and how it happens. Every week I would bring the worksheets back, sometimes only halfway filled out due to the anxiety I had looking at them and even thinking about it. My anxiety got so bad that I missed two days of work. For me, this was enough. Although I always had vacations lined up, I had never missed work in ten years due to this type, or any type, of condition. And until I was I this position, I never felt that anxiety was considered a medical condition. Nor did I want to use it as an excuse. But here I was. Anxiety filled every part of me as I thought of work and going to work. I was a manager at the time and adding more responsibility of helping and encouraging others when I was in this mindset, scared me. My Mom and friends had encouraged me to go back to work and without them encouraging me, I would have stayed home and sulked in my sorrows. I highly considered filing for short-term disability.

Even though I have lived in Pleasant Grove for most of my life, driving scared me. I knew the ends and outs of where I was going, I had been at my job for five years, and familiar with my surroundings. I had several things against me. I didn’t want to drive, I wouldn’t be able to focus at work, and I couldn’t handle myself and a team of ten. After two days of missing work, I took up the courage to try and go back. I was scared but grateful knowing that I had my Mom who was supportive during this time. I called my Mom several times that first day and she was able to help me conquer any concerns I had and I also had my notebook so I could write down my thoughts as I was dealing with them.

September 12, 2012:

Today I am trying to conquer work. I am 2 ½ hours in so I know I can do it. This is the second time I have been outside today getting some air. I called my Mom a ½ hour into my shift. I have been off and on today. Distractions make me feel okay but I still have part of me that keeps thinking about it. I get out of breath when I talk and when I stand I feel a little dizzy. Walking is okay. I’m deleting any pictures or emails that will directly relate to anything stressful. I went 2 ½ hours without having to call mom. She’s actually helping me through this. I just called her again and it’s almost 1pm. Walking keeps my heart rate going for a reason and at a constant speed.

September 13, 2012:

Today I woke up feeling OK. I had a team meeting this morning which went OK. I did good today. I did not go outside until 11:30 but 11:30-12:30 I was going back and forth inside to outside. I called mom twice today. I only have 5 more hours. I can do it. I have a manager meeting in 15 minutes so I’m trying to stay calm so I can get through. I had a really bad episode a little bit ago & started shaking. I called mom and she said going up the stairs and back in the same environment will make me anxious. I talked to my manager about things and he said I will be ok and they will work with me. He said he was glad I talked to him about it. I didn’t want him to think I couldn’t do my job.

Notes on what causes Anxiety (from my journal):

Standing

Walking I’m OK (Not the best)

Thinking of going on vacation

Emailing back and forth trying to get things situated after missing two days of work

I don't like calling this mental state I was in, Anxiety. I believe it was deeper than that. Anxiety, to me, is temporary panic. My “anxiety” lasted longer than six months. And it was a daily and nightly occurrence. Like my mom said, maybe this was depression. My depression had taken over my body, thoughts, and actions. I could not think positively. I remember going to a restaurant and sitting down, ordering a drink, and leaving seconds later because I was panicking. I was anxious for no reason but trying to validate it deep down. Was I anxious because of failing my class? If so, that should no longer be a concern because I passed. Was it social anxiety? Possibly. I had a hard time at that point going anywhere and being around people. I went to the grocery store and made it about five minutes before I had to go outside for air. For ten minutes. What if I was in the store and fainted? What if I had a heart attack because of my anxiety? What if I had to go to the hospital? I went to the extent of wanting to try oils and lotions that would help me sleep or calm me down. As I was driving to my friends house to try a new relaxing technique, I ended up parking in the hospital parking lot. I did not go inside but instead, called mom. She talked me out of going inside and I ended up going straight home. According to the worksheets, I was worried about going to the store, having a heart attack, fainting, going to the hospital, or having something go wrong while I am at the grocery store. Although all of the above never happened, my thoughts would spiral into one thing after another. Eventually I was freaking out over freaking out. I have never fainted, never been to the hospital besides one surgery and thinking that any of the above could have happened during something that I could not control, scared me. I was afraid of either the unknown, or the known. Failed my class, bought a condo, didn't know where my relationship was going, didn't know what I wanted to do career-wise. I was lost. The only thing that kept me busy and sane during the two days I took off of work, was Nintendo. Concentrating. Focusing. Reminiscing. Jump. Duck. I was on the edge of my bed or the corner of my couch. All day. Afraid to leave. Afraid to go anywhere. No hope. Thinking I would never get better. Thinking this was my new life. Although friends told me this is only temporary, I could not get myself to believe it. 

Stay tuned for more and I would love your feedback below ⬇️⬇️⬇️