Dare to Lead - Brene Brown - Book Review

I'm writing this blog more to hold myself accountable and to actually get through reading an entire book. I'll be honest, I LOVE books. I'm more of a collector and writer of books and less of a reader of books. I'm not sure if it's because I enjoy watching TV and not having to think vs. focusing on a book and remembering what I read and then applying it.

My cousin recommended this book - Dare to Lead - and also knew that I had another Brene Brown book that I never knew I had. I decided to work backwards and started with this one. The reason why I bought this book almost immediately was because I want to be a leader. And by that, I want to be a better leader. I want to know how to communicate with people, how to have those tough conversations, what words to say, how to be liked, and how to lead well.

Yes, I will be providing quotes and things I learned. If you don't want to know or read about the book beforehand, I suggest that you do not continue with this blog. I want to provide things that I personally learned and applied. 

In Section one, I learned three things:
- How to be vulnerable and why it matters
- Placing marbles in the jar
- Having tough conversations

I never realized how much vulnerability you must have in order to lead and build trust - in both work and personal relationships. I love Brene's quote, "Without vulnerability there is no creativity or innovation." Imagine being in a world where we weren't vulnerable, we didn't open up to people, we didn't share insights or ideas or opinions. That would be pretty boring and nothing would change. We only have amazing products and services because of vulnerability. Vulnerability builds trust. She used the example of being in a meeting and a leader opens up to his team and lets the team know that this is a safe space, that they can open up and be themselves. This builds trust amongst the team. "Trust and vulnerability grow together, and to betray one is to destroy both." And continuing with trust, "It turns out that trust is in fact earned in the smallest moments." I never really thought about this but it's so true. When your significant other or family member does something so small but yet it's HUGE to you. I have some examples. My boyfriend Kevin. When he takes the trash out without asking or drops by the store to get some medicine because I have a headache. It's those little things that add up to make a world of a difference. 

The second impact part one had on me was about marbles. I am definitely a visual learner so imagine that everyone you know or are friends with has a jar of marbles. Depending on how they treat and respect you, you see their jar filling up and filling up and filling up with marbles. You want to be around people that have a huge marble jar. This was something that Brene was teaching her young daughter. This is more about surrounding yourself with people that build you up, are kind to you, do nice things, respect you, and provide an equal relationship. 

Tough conversations are tough. Tough conversations stand in the way of us becoming a good leader. Why? Because no one wants to have tough conversations. I won't say a name but I thought of one specific person when I read this. He does not like to have tough conversations (I guarantee none of you know him but, just to be safe) and he is in a leadership position. In fact, he avoids tough conversations, which, to me, makes him look like the opposite of a leader. Tough conversations include, "honest, productive feedback." Tough conversations actually make you a better leader - it shows you have courage and skills. Just like Brene said, not having tough conversations leads to gossiping, problematic behavior, diminishing trust and engagement, and passive-aggressive behavior and I have seen this first hand as a result of a "leader" not having necessary tough conversations. 

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Part 2: This next section discusses a lot about empathy vs. sympathy and shame vs. guilt. 

Shame vs. guilt. "Shame is universal" is one of the things that Brene Brown stressed in her book. We all go through shame at some point. But what is the difference between shame and guilt? 

"Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection." 

1. Shame is getting laid off when we're expecting our first child.
2. Shame is hiding my addiction.
3. Shame is raging at my kids.
4. Shame is getting a promotion, then getting demoted six months later because I wasn't succeeding. 

Guilt = I did something bad
Shame = I am bad

I really like the definitions above because it's true. Shame is not talked about often because it's not the best conversation to talk about. It is hurtful and hard to discuss. But when it comes to organizations, shame is there. It's there with perfectionism, favoritism, gossiping, harassment, discrimination, and blaming. Shame is also comparing. Were you compared to another dancer growing up? Were you told you weren't good enough? Where shame is, empathy isn't. 

Before reading this book, I knew when I was upset I wanted empathy and sympathy. I thought they both went hand-in-hand. In all reality, I learned that I wanted more of empathy and that they are almost complete opposites. 

"Empathy is connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience." It's feeling the person's pain even if you haven't experienced what they are. It's learning about what they are going through, using the word "we" - "We will get through this" or something like, "I support you" or "We got this" I also like this definition in the book, "Empathy isn't about fixing. It's a brave choice to be with someone in their darkness." It's to see the world as the other person sees it, not how we do. It's how the other person sees truth. Become a listener, stay out of judgement, and try to understand. 

Sympathy is apologizing but not trying to understand or see the perspective of the other person. Empathy is connecting. Sympathy is saying, "Oh that looks bad. I'm sorry" instead of saying, "I may not have the exact same experience as you, but I know this struggle, and you are not alone." 

Ever since learning the difference between sympathy and empathy, I have been trying to be more empathetic, realizing that I also want empathy. I am noticing conversations more and trying to understand WHY people feel a certain way. Is it shame? Guilt? Do they feel like they are being judged? Do they want empathy? It has made me more aware of what is going on around me. 

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Part 3: Values + Feedback

"A value is a way of being or believing that we hold most important. Living in our values means that we do more than profess our values, we practice them. We walk our talk - we are clear about what we believe and hold important, and we take care that our intentions, words, thoughts, and behaviors align with those beliefs."

Here are a few values that were listed in the book (see the photo below for the full list):
Accountability
Growth
Honesty
Respect
Courage
Creativity
Curiosity
Family
Making a Difference
Inclusion
Humor
Usefulness
Service

Every good leader has a core set of values based on fundamentals. Being a good leader means practicing and leaning on values. "Ultimately, leadership is the ability to thrive in the ambiguity of paradoxes and opposites." A good leader sticks with their values, builds on skills, and vulnerability. Vulnerability and discomfort both come with being a great leader. 

Our values remind us why we are being uncomfortable. Our values remind us why we are doing the things we are doing. But in order to establish values, we have to ask ourselves some questions to discover what is important to us.

1. What is important to you? Try and limit it to two that you hold the most important - "If you have more than three priorities, you have no priorities." 
2.  Do you practice your values? "If you're not going to take the time to translate values from ideas to behaviors - it's better not to profess any values at all." 
3. Are you empathizing and having self-compassion? Find people who support you, who know your values and also you want to be able to cheer yourself on during this process. 

Once you know your values, you are now willing to accept feedback or make changes without sacrificing what you believe in or what you hold true to. "Giving good feedback is a skill and some do it well. Others do not. We have to be able to take feedback -- regardless of how it's delivered -- and apply it productively." And the reason behind this? "Mastery requires feedback." If you want to master something or be good at something or be a better person, we have to accept feedback. I have an example of this as well. A few nights ago, Kevin told me that I'm on my phone and my computer all day. Granted, being on my computer is the way I make money and the way I blog and the way I enter giveaways but, even though I didn't accept it well, I still understood what he was saying. Since then, I have been making a conscience effort to be off my phone and my computer once he gets home from work. So I have all day to do what I need to do and then spend time with him when he is here. One of my values is family and when I am on my computer and my phone, I am compromising one of my two values. 

When I first read through the list, I circled what was important to me and then put an asterisk by my two values - family and patience. Patience was needed at the time because during COVID, I was doing virtual school with my 10 year old son for almost a year and a half. Patience was definitely something I wanted to work on and focus on as I helped him daily (when his nana didn't have him). Since he is done with school and hopefully going back to school in the Fall, that is no longer one of my top two values. It is still important to me, but something that I can give up now vs. six months ago. One thing that holds true is I will never sacrifice my family. Nothing is more important in my life than family. And if I have to adjust my behavior by taking feedback that doesn't compromise my values, I am going to do that. 

"We don't fully see people until we know their values."

KNOW MY VALUES - KNOW ME. NO VALUES = NO ME. 

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Part 3 CTD

I would consider myself a curious person. I am always wanting to learn more. If I don't know something, I will ask questions or search for it online. What does this have to do with anything? "Curiosity is correlated with creativity, intelligence, improved learning and memory, and problem solving...the brain's chemistry changes when we become curious, helping us better learn and retain information. But curiosity is uncomfortable because it involves uncertainty and vulnerability." Not knowing something makes me feel uncomfortable, especially when it is something I should know. But the fact that I am curious and WILLING to learn, even if it's something I should know already, shows that I am willing to be uncomfortable and vulnerable. When we are curious about something, we ask specific questions to help answer it such as:

1. I'm curious about...
2. Tell me more.
3. Help me understand...
4. Walk me through...

These are examples of how to start a conversation for those who are curious. I may be curious but I'm not always a great listener. Using one of those above can help with starting a conversation where I am required to listen and not just talk. 

These conversation starters can also help in the workplace. If there is a project that needs to be done, using the above questions can assist to make sure two or more people are on the same page and have the same goals. Sometimes the more we know, the more we want to know. 

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Part 4: Learning to Rise 

I think this part has been the most impactful and the most useful in my personal life and the things I am currently going through. 

"When we have the courage to walk our story and own it, we get to write the ending. And when we don't own our stories of failures, setbacks, and hurt- they own us."

This chapter is about failing...and learning to rise and getting back up. In my current job, after we do a webinar or workshop, we talk about what didn't work, what did, and what we can change next time. I love this because they really embrace failure. They see failure as a way to learn and do better. When it comes to my personal life, I am completely opposite. 

"Risers immediately recognize when they're emotionally hooked by something" - Brene provides several offloading strategies - how do we deal with failure, hurt, pain and anger?

I tend to react emotionally and I absolutely hate that about myself. I tend to offload my anger and frustration at and towards other people. 

"Pain is hard, and it's easier to be angry or pissed off than to actually acknowledge hurt." Oh how true this is. I also numb a lot of pain, stockpile it, mask it, and feel powerless. All of which is discussed in this section. 

There were several things that I really wanted to talk about that stuck out this section. The first is the fact that I tend to react without knowing all of the information. Isn't this so true for so many of us? And Brene made a great point, we tend to fill in the blanks in our head when we are missing information and all of the blanks we fill in are worst case scenarios! A few things to ask yourself before you react is:

1. Do I have enough information to freak out about this situation?
2. If I do have enough data, will freaking out help?

"In the absence of data, we always make up stories" I never ever ever ever realized this. But I always do this! I always think someone doesn't like me or they are too busy for me but in all reality - I don't have all of the information. 

At the very end of the book, it talks about joy. This was a fun activity. I don't typically take time to write down things I'm grateful for or expressing my feelings - although I own three planners so writing is kind of my thing. At the end, she asked, "When things are going really well in our family, what does it look like? What brings us the most joy? When are we in our zone?"

Wow. This really made me think. My list is below. I recommend you write your list down. I also recommend you buy this book because it is truly life-changing. 

What brings me joy:
Travel
Family
Sobriety
Working
Movies
Tumblers
Going to NBA games
Watching sports
Casino
Shopping
Cooking
Being with nieces/nephews
Weekends
Sleeping
Date Nights
Working Out
Financial Freedom
Las Vegas

What's yours?