Journaling for Anxiety

I haven't told anybody really but for the past two weeks I have been dealing with severe anxiety. Again. This is the second longest consecutive time that my anxiety has affected me in my life. The first time was in 2012 and it was for about six months. I deal with it here and there but there is a reason behind this length. About a month ago I got off my anxiety medication that I was put on back in 2012. It was a very low dose but my doctor didn't renew it and I waited a few days thinking it would get renewed. During that time, I actually felt OK so then I was wondering if I should just get off the medication altogether. A few weeks went by and I was feeling fine still. And then I got the COVID vaccination and my anxiety started to worsen. I had fears for this vaccine. And these fears did not go away so I decided to call my doctor and see if she can renew my anxiety prescription. So she did and now it's been two weeks back on it but after being on it for 11 years, getting off of it for a month almost and then getting back on, my body is so out of place. The first 5-7 days I just felt weird. Very high anxiety and not like myself. When I Googled if this was normal for getting back on this medication (it's an anti-depressent), it totally was normal. They said for the first few weeks to months it may be weird or you may have high anxiety. And I totally have. It's not as crippling as in 2012 where I literally didn't leave my house for days and didn't go to work but I still have anxiety as I'm driving or in grocery stores. I left the grocery store early today because I was panicking. I hate this feeling and I hate not feeling normal or like myself. I received an email about 10 minutes ago and it said, "If you have anxiety, read these" so I did. I thought it would be about CBD (which, by the way, SO helps me and my anxiety!) but it was actually about journaling. It was from an Instagram account @PromptlyJournals and I watched their IG Live about how journaling calms you down and slows your heart rate. I know what I am doing now isn't necessarily journaling.....as in actually writing by hand in a journal....but it is a way where I can freely express myself and my feelings and my emotions. I have gone through this before and I know it is just a phase, just a process, just a point in time, but it sucks. It really, really sucks. 

I wear a Fitbit and my resting heart rate is usually around 69bpm but during these past two weeks, it went up to 82bpm on average which is HUGE. That goes to show what a huge and anxiety-filled two weeks this has been. In 2012, I was just graduating college, leaving a job I was at for 6.5 years, purchased my own house, and had huge achievements and changes that just overwhelmed me - even though they were positive changes. I had doubts on if I would ever make a lot of money or get a good job. And I'm currently jobless and have been for seven months so I'm sure that has added to a little bit of the anxiety. The feeling of not controlling this time in my life is very scary for me. But I did learn things back in 2012 that I have been trying to apply. 

Being able to relax, breathe, lower my heart rate and being in control even when I feel like I'm not. I overthink so much and I know that I need to be present. I'm trying my hardest to be present but then I have this side of me, the anxiety side, that literally goes over things in my mind that aren't true or that won't happen or that scares me on purpose. Then I have the other side that calms myself down, tries to be in the present, and focuses on my breathing. I go back and forth constantly and it was never like this before. It's like I have to be cautious and mindful of what I am doing and focus on being in the present until I'm actually just being in the present. The great thing about the IG video is the lady on there said that everyone experiences anxiety in their lifetime. So guess what? I. AM. NOT. ALONE. And neither are you. 

I've never been the type to be like, "I need someone to ask me how I'm doing. And really ask and really care." but I've noticed the past two weeks while dealing with this, not one person has asked me how I am doing. Which explains why no one knows that I have secretly been going through this. I am OK. I will move forward. I will move on. But going off of a medication that has been a huge part of me, has definitely affected how I currently live. 

I am watching this IGTV video and she has three prompts when journaling about anxiety so here are my answers.

*Prompt #1: What is worrying you right now - Getting back to society from being at home most of COVID, social anxiety and being around people, money, not having a job for 7 months, wondering if Jace will go back to school in August or if it will be virtual school like it's been the past year and a half, my future with my relationship (getting married, having kids, moving, etc)

*Prompt #2: What are three things that are going well right now - My glitter tumblers. I LOVE being creative and I love making my glitter tumblers. My relationship is probably the best it's been in a long time. Kevin has been focusing on his health and working overtime  a lot so we have been able to do things and he has been on a healthier path and road which has made a more positive impact on our relationship. Even though I'm not working, I do receive unemployment which has been extremely helpful in our situation. Last year I was behind almost 7 months on all of my bills so I'm still catching up but it's still been helpful. Also my sisters are coming into town as well as my Mom next month so even though that is four things, it's still something I'm looking forward to.

*Prompt #3: What can you do today to feel more grounded? - Working out on my bike and journaling more. I haven't been focused on self care as much as I probably should. 

This helped so much and even though it may have been very open and honest, I hope this has helped you as well. Anxiety can be crippling but it's important to feed your mind with positive thoughts and focus on self care to help relax and build on being calm. What do you do that helps with anxiety? Let me know in the comments below. I could really use some other ideas!