Mental Health Awareness Month - My Story
With one day left before May ends, I thought I would write a blog for Mental Health Awareness Month and share my story from 2012. For those of you who don't know, I suffered from mental health- anxiety and depression- back in 2012. Although it hasn't been a huge part of my 30's, it was a huge part of my mid-20's. Eight years ago I went through a lot of major changes in my life - all positive - but with everything happening so quickly, something triggered in my mind where I told myself I did not deserve these things. This quickly turned into anxiety, depression, and a six-month or longer downhill spiral.
The first big event was actually buying my own house. Never in my life did I think I would be a homeowner at the age of 26. I found an AMAZING deal on a condo in Utah and, although I LOVED it, I had to deal with so many issues that came with being a homeowner. Every major thing that could happen with owning a home, happened. I had my air conditioner go out, my heater go out, my water pipes freeze, doorknobs fall off, pipes burst into my neighbors garage, just to name a few. This was in March of 2012. Living on my own (and sometimes renting the extra room to a roommate) and being a homeowner, all of the repairs had to be out-of-pocket. I probably spent THOUSANDS of dollars in repairs within the five years that I owned my home.
Dealing with the stress of owning a home by myself, five months later I graduated college. My very last class, Capstone, was a huge part of my anxiety and depression. I FAILED my very last class. Failed. Completely failed. I didn't understand it at all. My teacher would call on me all the time and I sat in the very back row to not put attention on myself. I had no idea what I was doing. I would meet with my team for group projects and was so out-of-the-loop.
Before my dad passed away in 2003 when I was 17, I had talked to him briefly about college and my intent to go. This moment was huge for me because, being the oldest, I had the pressure of being an example to my siblings and also making my dad proud. And here I was, failing my last class with the potential of having to extend graduation one more semester to retake the class. I spoke with my teacher and was lucky enough to retake the final test one more time. This was my moment. I hired a tutor and worked with him diligently to make sure I understood the concept and passed my test with flying colors.
I remember sitting in a back row of one of my last semester classes and having anxiety. Like struggling to breathe anxiety. So much so that several people asked if I was OK mid-class because of my deep breaths. I was having full-on anxiety attacks in class.
From ages 20-26, I was working at a commission-based call center. Although I had the potential to make a lot of money, working on commission in itself was extremely stressful. My job at that time was all about college and even provided tuition reimbursement so I continued working there until I graduated college. I was a team lead at the time - managing a team of up to 20 agents. I missed several days of work leading up to this point due to my anxiety (and depression). My anxiety got so bad that I didn't want to go to work, I wanted to be on short-term disability instead.
In November 2012, I decided it was time to leave my job and move forward with a job where I could utilize my degree in marketing. I was entering a new phase of my life and trying to find out my worth. I remember sitting at the kitchen table and literally telling myself that I don't deserve to make a lot of money. With zero experience, I did not deserve to make more money than I did now. This made my anxiety worse. I thought college was stressful but transitioning from being a college graduate to actually applying for a job in my field was probably the most stressful part.
In the same year, I had other experiences where my anxiety attacks flared.
I tried to go to a restaurant to eat and, once drinks had been ordered, I started having a panic attack and we had to leave the restaurant. I remember my Nana was in town and we went to Walmart near my Mom's house and I went in and started freaking out so bad, sweating, hyperventilating and I had to go outside and wait for her to finish up her grocery shopping. This anxiety and depression was not just when things got hard, this was taking over every part of my life. I knew one thing, I did not want to live my entire life like this. I remember thinking that and it made me more anxious when I thought I would have to live my whole life with anxiety all the time. I had a friend who wanted me to come over to try and help with my anxiety. Instead of her house, I ended up in the hospital parking lot. I was ready to go in and see what could be done. My Mom talked me out of it and said they would just send me home with maybe some medication but the high bill wouldn't be worth it. So I decided on another route.
For about six months I saw a counselor that really helped me. She had me work on worksheets that helped me more than I ever thought possible. I filled out the worksheets every week and they had questions such as, "When I have anxiety, what am I doing?" "How do I feel?" "Is this feeling truthful?" For instance, I found myself thinking I was going to faint or pass-out many times because of how anxious I was. Did I ever pass out? No. I found that writing down my thoughts was a great way to release my feelings and help with my depression. I was told during counseling to smile. If you are smiling, you can't be anxious.
I had friends and family just say to do simple things and I'll be fine but I felt like it was so much deeper than that. Without my Mom there at that time, I would not have been able to move forward or get out of this phase of my life. She pushed me to go to work and be in a familiar environment. She told me not to go into the hospital and was there when I went back to work and called her 4-5 times during my shift telling her that I was anxious. She pushed me to getting back to my normal life.
I also went to a doctor who put me on anti-depressents. To this day, I am still on them. So 8 years later, I still feel some of those affects. I have told myself that I don't EVER want to get back to that point again. I can better control myself, my mindset and emotions. Working out has helped me, reading, writing, surrounding myself with positive people and things, stretching, deep breathing, talking to those who have been through similar experiences, and sharing my story.
If you have a story to tell, I would love to hear how you overcame, or even how you are still dealing with a mental illness. If you need help, I know a lot of people say to reach out, but I will stop what I am doing to help someone in need. Mental illness is real, and more during Covid. I have felt more anxiety and more stress during this time. Watching our world beyond Covid with the death of George Floyd and all of the rioting is also triggering stress, anxiety, and heartache.
Mental health is a huge issue that is very underrated. Everyone is different, all needs are different, and most say that it's all in your mind. The reality is, it IS all in your mind and sometimes it's hard to control your mind and your thoughts. Now is the time to bring these health issues to the surface. They are very real and until you have personally gone through them, it's truly hard for others to understand. All I can suggest is being there for someone who is going through this type of pain, trauma, depression, whatever it is. Even if it seems like the same thing over and over. Even if you are annoyed about hearing someone else's issues. You have NO idea how much that person can impact you. Let's make mental health a real topic and not taboo.
The first big event was actually buying my own house. Never in my life did I think I would be a homeowner at the age of 26. I found an AMAZING deal on a condo in Utah and, although I LOVED it, I had to deal with so many issues that came with being a homeowner. Every major thing that could happen with owning a home, happened. I had my air conditioner go out, my heater go out, my water pipes freeze, doorknobs fall off, pipes burst into my neighbors garage, just to name a few. This was in March of 2012. Living on my own (and sometimes renting the extra room to a roommate) and being a homeowner, all of the repairs had to be out-of-pocket. I probably spent THOUSANDS of dollars in repairs within the five years that I owned my home.
Dealing with the stress of owning a home by myself, five months later I graduated college. My very last class, Capstone, was a huge part of my anxiety and depression. I FAILED my very last class. Failed. Completely failed. I didn't understand it at all. My teacher would call on me all the time and I sat in the very back row to not put attention on myself. I had no idea what I was doing. I would meet with my team for group projects and was so out-of-the-loop.
Before my dad passed away in 2003 when I was 17, I had talked to him briefly about college and my intent to go. This moment was huge for me because, being the oldest, I had the pressure of being an example to my siblings and also making my dad proud. And here I was, failing my last class with the potential of having to extend graduation one more semester to retake the class. I spoke with my teacher and was lucky enough to retake the final test one more time. This was my moment. I hired a tutor and worked with him diligently to make sure I understood the concept and passed my test with flying colors.
I remember sitting in a back row of one of my last semester classes and having anxiety. Like struggling to breathe anxiety. So much so that several people asked if I was OK mid-class because of my deep breaths. I was having full-on anxiety attacks in class.
From ages 20-26, I was working at a commission-based call center. Although I had the potential to make a lot of money, working on commission in itself was extremely stressful. My job at that time was all about college and even provided tuition reimbursement so I continued working there until I graduated college. I was a team lead at the time - managing a team of up to 20 agents. I missed several days of work leading up to this point due to my anxiety (and depression). My anxiety got so bad that I didn't want to go to work, I wanted to be on short-term disability instead.
In November 2012, I decided it was time to leave my job and move forward with a job where I could utilize my degree in marketing. I was entering a new phase of my life and trying to find out my worth. I remember sitting at the kitchen table and literally telling myself that I don't deserve to make a lot of money. With zero experience, I did not deserve to make more money than I did now. This made my anxiety worse. I thought college was stressful but transitioning from being a college graduate to actually applying for a job in my field was probably the most stressful part.
In the same year, I had other experiences where my anxiety attacks flared.
I tried to go to a restaurant to eat and, once drinks had been ordered, I started having a panic attack and we had to leave the restaurant. I remember my Nana was in town and we went to Walmart near my Mom's house and I went in and started freaking out so bad, sweating, hyperventilating and I had to go outside and wait for her to finish up her grocery shopping. This anxiety and depression was not just when things got hard, this was taking over every part of my life. I knew one thing, I did not want to live my entire life like this. I remember thinking that and it made me more anxious when I thought I would have to live my whole life with anxiety all the time. I had a friend who wanted me to come over to try and help with my anxiety. Instead of her house, I ended up in the hospital parking lot. I was ready to go in and see what could be done. My Mom talked me out of it and said they would just send me home with maybe some medication but the high bill wouldn't be worth it. So I decided on another route.
For about six months I saw a counselor that really helped me. She had me work on worksheets that helped me more than I ever thought possible. I filled out the worksheets every week and they had questions such as, "When I have anxiety, what am I doing?" "How do I feel?" "Is this feeling truthful?" For instance, I found myself thinking I was going to faint or pass-out many times because of how anxious I was. Did I ever pass out? No. I found that writing down my thoughts was a great way to release my feelings and help with my depression. I was told during counseling to smile. If you are smiling, you can't be anxious.
I had friends and family just say to do simple things and I'll be fine but I felt like it was so much deeper than that. Without my Mom there at that time, I would not have been able to move forward or get out of this phase of my life. She pushed me to go to work and be in a familiar environment. She told me not to go into the hospital and was there when I went back to work and called her 4-5 times during my shift telling her that I was anxious. She pushed me to getting back to my normal life.
I also went to a doctor who put me on anti-depressents. To this day, I am still on them. So 8 years later, I still feel some of those affects. I have told myself that I don't EVER want to get back to that point again. I can better control myself, my mindset and emotions. Working out has helped me, reading, writing, surrounding myself with positive people and things, stretching, deep breathing, talking to those who have been through similar experiences, and sharing my story.
If you have a story to tell, I would love to hear how you overcame, or even how you are still dealing with a mental illness. If you need help, I know a lot of people say to reach out, but I will stop what I am doing to help someone in need. Mental illness is real, and more during Covid. I have felt more anxiety and more stress during this time. Watching our world beyond Covid with the death of George Floyd and all of the rioting is also triggering stress, anxiety, and heartache.
Mental health is a huge issue that is very underrated. Everyone is different, all needs are different, and most say that it's all in your mind. The reality is, it IS all in your mind and sometimes it's hard to control your mind and your thoughts. Now is the time to bring these health issues to the surface. They are very real and until you have personally gone through them, it's truly hard for others to understand. All I can suggest is being there for someone who is going through this type of pain, trauma, depression, whatever it is. Even if it seems like the same thing over and over. Even if you are annoyed about hearing someone else's issues. You have NO idea how much that person can impact you. Let's make mental health a real topic and not taboo.
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